I'm Back...

Been out of commission for a while now--mainly due to my phd/conference preparation.

But I'm back. And I took a parenting class the other day. It was enlightening to be sure. Taught by a Kiwi named Diane Levy, author of Of Course I Love You...NOW GO TO YOUR ROOM!

I've been a fan of Wendy Mogel's Blessing of a Skinned Knee, but always felt that book, while a good foundational resource (with a decidedly Jewish-focus), never got specific enough for my tastes. Okay...I'm happy to nurture my children's uniqueness (rather than criticize it) and it's good advice to make parents the authority figures in a family (to be respected)...but what do I do when my kid hits someone with a baseball bat or calls me "stupid" or whistles while I plead for him/her to tidy his/her room, etc.... Levy's book picks up where Skinned Knee leaves off. It's very specific and offers very useful, practical advice (she also happens to be Jewish, though Judaism does not factor such a prominent role in her writings).

That said, Levy's parenting class has been tremendously helpful. Her main point is that we need to support our children's feelings while setting clear even sharp boundaries. Some of what she says seems old-fashioned and yet powerful in its simplicity. For instance, how many of us, when our significant other does something that makes us cringe (like turning off the TV just as a show was about to end, sending children into panic mode) says "why did you do that?" or "thanks a lot" or "for the love of god, turn the tv back on" or "how stupid are you?" And yet, Levy argues that in such a case the right thing to do and the most powerful thing to do is to walk over to the offending spouse, stand by his/her side and sternly say to your children: "Do as your mother/father said". Since taking the class i've tried this a few times and damn if it isn't powerful...almost exhilarating.

Yet probably the single most important thing Levy has taught me is the importance of patience of calm in all that you do with children. Screaming, shouting, yelling at your children is strictly forbidden (and by the way, doesn't work). I've always been against yelling at children but occasionally it happens...well frankly occasionally is too often.

But enough about real life...soon I'll be reporting on my Second Life experiences--maybe i'll even post some images of my recently updated avatar, archmunster Toll. Stay tuned....

All The Books Say That...

Whenever my wife or me want to silence the other one on some child raising debate, we simply use the phrase, "All the books say that...."

For example, when I gave my daughter a carrot, my wife definitely did not want me to do that again (even though she seemed fine munching away on it) and so she said, "All the books say that you shouldn't give carrots to one year olds." Now I don't know, maybe a lot of books really do say that--but ALL the books. We only really have one book that we look at (the Pediatricians Guide to blah blah blah) so I'm not even sure how she could have read ALL the books.

But I do the same thing--but the difference is that I haven't read any books...ever. so when i say "All the books say that..." what I really mean is "I never read anything but take my word for it..."

So anyway, here's my top five "All the books say that..." comments. These are all things I have either said or would have liked to have said...

5. All the books say that lots and lots of tv is good for your kids
4. All the books say that it's okay to go to a bar while your kids are in bed
3. All the books say that if your kids won't stop screaming at each other during a long roadtrip, you should go ahead and set them on the curb and continue with your long roadtrip.
2. All the books say that you should heavily sedate your children before taking them on a cross-country airplane flight.
1. All the books say that sending your three year-old to get you a six pack and the latest issue of Playboy can be a great rainy day activity.