Scorsese's Iraq

There was a part of me that did not want to see the Departed--despite its widespread acclaim. Everytime I went to the video store I always looked at the case and thought maybe...but then kept going.

Thing is, I'm a huge Scorsese fan. Raging Bull, Goodfellas, Kundun, After Hours, Taxi Driver...those are some of my favorites and a few of them (Raging Bull, Taxi Driver) may be among the best films ever made. That said, let's not forget that Scorsese also directed The Color of Money, New York, New York, and Gangs of New York....

So he's not perfect.

Plus, a quick glance at the cast of The Departed should give anyone cause to pause: DeCrapio, Marky Mark, and Jason Bourne (er I mean Matt Lame-man)....and the cartoon character himself (who used to be something to behold)--Jack Nicholson. I mean, there's not a whole lot to look forward to here. But I figured, well, it is Scorsese and he did win The oscar for it...

So the other day I finally rented it.

Damn me to hell.

The Departed was one of the smelliest pieces of crap I've seen in a long long time. Oh sure, there were some good Scorsese moments (though honestly, a day later and I can't remember one)--but overall the thing stunk. STUNK.

DeCrapio was by far the best thing on the screen--I mean the poor kid was working hard, very hard to show his anguish and fear and loathing. And when DeCrapio is the best thing going, you know you're in trouble.

Lame-man, The Human Cartoon and Marky Mark were all equally crappy in their own way. Marky Mark with his wooden delivery of some of the more colorful lines in the script was completely and utterly forgettable. The portion of the screen occupied by Marky Mark pretty much disappears--he's as vanilla (ice) as it gets.

Then there's The Human Cartoon. Talk about not scary--when that's mostly what he was supposed to be, talk about not interesting--when that's some of what he was supposed to be, talk about lame-ass in-and-out Irish accent...well you get all that and less from our friend, The Human Cartoon (I know he did some great acting in the 60s and 70s, but can't he just go away now?).

And finally, let's not forget Matt Lame-man. Here is an actor who somehow has been dubbed one of the young great american actors--and yet, the funny thing is, he can't act. He can't be complex, he can't be simple, he can't be dark, he can't be light--he can't convincingly pull off anything.

So here we are left with scenes like the one where it's just DeCrapio and Lame-Man on the screen (in split-screen) with phones to their ears--the bad cop finally comes ear to ear with the only man who can bring him down--it's one of the huge Scorsese moments...but one that falls completely flat as we realize that the huge moment is being delivered by two of the more boring actors in recent memory. We're left watching two uninteresting actors plopped down in the middle of what could have been a fairly interesting scene. But I do mean fairly interesting scene--let's not go overboard here. This scene is nothing, repeat NOTHING, new. And the amount of silly cell phone tricks that Scorsese uses in this film is not only silly but highlights another of the many problems with this film. IT WAS FULL OF ANNOYING HOLES, OF SCENES THAT DEFIED ALL LOGIC, or to put it more matter-of-factly--The Departed often made no fucking sense at all. Here's just a few questions I have:

1. When Lame-Man finally hears De-Crapio speak--why doesn't he immediately call the Human Cartoon and describe the voice to him: youngish, boyish--as far as I could tell, everyone on the Human Cartoon's payroll was over 50...except DeCrapio.
2. When Sheen is pushed off the roof--where are the cops? The scene of the cops is shot in such close-up that we have no idea where they are--which is probably because in reality the cops would have seen Sheen and thus would have seen DeCrapio. Instead, Scorsese tries to get around this problem by piling them all into this small car (they looked like they were clowns in a clown car) having them say things like: "someone fell off the roof--but we can't see him". And even if by some miracle they were situated in such a way that they couldn't see Sheen--what would the harm have been in driving the car around the building until they found Sheen?
3. It gets worse: DeCrapio's got Lame-Man and he's bringing him in (which in the first place made no sense--why didn't he just immediately grab one of the cops and tell him who Lame-Man was and that he had recorded proof of it??!...and don't tell me it's because Lame-Man deleted his file--several other cops knew who DeCrapio was--they're the ones who told Lame-Man he was waiting for him)...but just as the elevator opens DeCrapio gets shot in the head by...some other cop who was working for The Human Cartoon. WHAT?!? Scorsese pulls some other character out of his ass at the last second, literally from out of nowhere (how the hell did this nobody know where Lame-Man was in the first place?).
4. It gets even worse: Why is Lame-Man free at the end? Didn't DeCrapio give the Psychologist a fucking envelope to open and hand over to the cops if he ever got hurt? Was I just imagining that scene? And if for some reason she I don't know lost the envelope, why was she and those two old lady neighbors shunning Lame-Man at the end? Either he was innocent or he wasn't. And if his story was believed then he was innocent...
5. Last thing: why did Marky Mark shoot Lame-Man at the end? Huh? What the fuck was that?

The last 20 minutes of that movie were equal to or worse than some of the lamest B-Grade Movie scenes in the history of cinema.

And yet...it won the best picture and best director oscars.

Maybe we should throw in a medal of freedom while we're at it.